The commute. The desk. The inbox full of things that don't matter. People making coffee, talking about their weekends, complaining about parking. And you — sitting in the middle of all of it, wondering how any of this can possibly be real when someone you loved just died by suicide.

Going back to work is one of the strangest things you'll do.

The first question you'll have is: do they know? What did HR tell them? Did someone send an email? Did the news travel through channels you can't see? Will someone say something? Will no one say anything — and which of those is worse?

There's no way to control this. Some workplaces handle it well. Most don't. People are bad at grief in general and paralysed by suicide specifically. You may get the colleague who crosses the hallway to avoid you. The one who pretends nothing happened. The one who squeezes your arm and says "I'm so sorry" and means it. You may get all three in the same morning.

A few things that might help. If there's one person at work you trust, tell them. Not everything — just enough. "I lost someone close to me. I'm back but I'm not okay. If I need to leave, I'll leave." Having one person who knows means you have an exit route and a witness.

Lower your expectations for yourself. The first week is about showing up, not performing. If you can sit at your desk and get through the hours, that's enough. If you can't, and you need to go home, that's also enough.

Some people find work helps. Not in a "keeping busy" denial way — but in a genuine, structural way. Having a place to go. Tasks with deadlines. The requirement to think about something other than grief for an hour. That movement between sitting in the loss and getting on with the rest of life — that's not avoidance. It's the other half of how people survive.

If work feels like relief, that doesn't mean you're grieving wrong. It means your brain is moving between the loss and the rest of your life, and that movement is healthy.

If work feels impossible, that's equally valid. Some people go back too early. There's no prize for speed.